january

we had actually just gone thru a week and two days into 2019 and im feeling more tired than ever. im tired of my feelings and my indecisive self. apparently cutting people out of ur life isnt as easy as u think. my thyroid level shoots up, even the lab couldnt measure how much the exact number is because it is so high. stress actually contributes in making hyperthyroidism happens and i cant put that stress away from me. its consuming me. everyday i think of dying. i know it wont solve any problems, it would only make the people around me sad, like super sad. but at least i can free myself then. 

if i ever die, remember that i love u all. thanks for existing, thanks for being my friends, thsnks for being my family. shout out to oliv, gio, audrey; my support system. my campus gang; var, nis, chelle n also those who want to stay lowkey haha thank you for making my campus life better. 

malam pun menjemput

an hour and six minutes from now would mark a new day. 

things went wrong. im supposed to do my work, nirmana but im here instead because i have no one to talk to. i dont feel like sharing my problems with my brothers this time because i feel like it would be just a waste of time. not to pemain sepak bola either because i feel like i always rant about shit everytime im in a relationship and man i dont wanna burden them. 

nirmana, 5 pages to go. due on wed.

photography. due on thurs.

drawing principle, 2 spreads to go. due on fri.

can i roll myself off the hill now? 

apparently things are off now since 3 pm. i dont know why i keep pouring oil to the fire. 

"gaje dasar"

"u sendiri yang baper"

points made. 

touche.

i harusnya ngerjain nirmana tapi males banget tau gaaaa i pegel banget bahunya. mau tidur aja rasanya. laper melanda lagi. huft. 

if it all comes to this

today im really sad. ive been shedding tears since last night. 

dont take people for granted.

he wants to break up with me. ive been sliding next on our photo album in the gallery of my phone. he stopped replying. its been 25 mins since he read my messages. he didnt reply. i texted him again but he isnt reading it. i wonder what happened. is this really the end? high chance it is. he probably fell asleep. could be. 

its been a hella ride. 

he feels like my mom doesnt like him.

he said he tried to be the best for me.

and then he said he is getting tired of me.

now what to the promises we both made? 

to become a better person, to grow until old, to love each other until death pulls us apart. 

as cringiest as it sounds, if he decides to end our relationship, this will become my worst heartbreak ever. not like i got my heart broken many times. but he has given me everyhing. he makes me feel loved and this is what he get in return. i was so bad to him. cant rly do a thing beside crying and escaping the reality. i let my tears fall and sometimes i just dont feel like wiping them away from my face, hoping we will be okay and start as a new human being again. if this is really the end, i dont know how much time that i need to move on from him. 

if he replies and say that he doesnt wanna be together with me anymore, i can do nothing except apologize. 

thank u for always being there with me since day 1. 

thank u for always helping me whenever im in trouble.

thank u for showering me with love and affection.

thank u for making me realize how beautiful love is.