why do i write. i want to write. so much feelings, so much thoughts that i couldn't fathom into words. maybe i write because nobody wants to listen. maybe it's because i don't want anyone to know what is inside me. is this a diary? i don't know. i'm feeling extra sad tonight. pitch dark, with only the screen as the source of light. music playing, doesn't make me feel better, but it makes me feel like i'm in some kind of movie. those movies where the high school kids are having their emotional breakdown. feet exposed, i can feel the air, the cool and cold air. back to the position, running my fingers on the keyboards as if they could keep up with the thoughts in my mind. those don't seem to be stopping. it's like they are on a train, except the thoughts don't want to get off and the train also compromise with them by not stopping.
i can just sleep. shut my brain down. well technically, brain never shuts itself, but i'm feeling like finch tonight. my eyes are tired, they are heavy but i'm feeling super awake. everytime this happens, i just want to shut myself from the world, cut the connections off. i close my eyes as i exhale. i type and erase. too sensitive, too paranoid, too much thinking of trivial matters. maybe these are the reason that keep me awake. i'll be sleepy tomorrow so why don't i just shut my laptop down and close my eyes and then finally sleep. damn it, me. have some self-control, won't you?
is there a such thing as a perfect day? just when i thought today might be a good day, it ended up ruined. it's actually perplexing that anything can happen anytime. how fast your mood and feelings change. at one time, you can feel so much happiness, so much of content and then dusk, you feel nothing but numbness hanging on your skin. time.
there are so many things that i want to change about me like i wish i could vocalise my thoughts more, be more coherent and i could set my priorities straight.
