malam pun menjemput

an hour and six minutes from now would mark a new day. 

things went wrong. im supposed to do my work, nirmana but im here instead because i have no one to talk to. i dont feel like sharing my problems with my brothers this time because i feel like it would be just a waste of time. not to pemain sepak bola either because i feel like i always rant about shit everytime im in a relationship and man i dont wanna burden them. 

nirmana, 5 pages to go. due on wed.

photography. due on thurs.

drawing principle, 2 spreads to go. due on fri.

can i roll myself off the hill now? 

apparently things are off now since 3 pm. i dont know why i keep pouring oil to the fire. 

"gaje dasar"

"u sendiri yang baper"

points made. 

touche.

i harusnya ngerjain nirmana tapi males banget tau gaaaa i pegel banget bahunya. mau tidur aja rasanya. laper melanda lagi. huft. 

if it all comes to this

today im really sad. ive been shedding tears since last night. 

dont take people for granted.

he wants to break up with me. ive been sliding next on our photo album in the gallery of my phone. he stopped replying. its been 25 mins since he read my messages. he didnt reply. i texted him again but he isnt reading it. i wonder what happened. is this really the end? high chance it is. he probably fell asleep. could be. 

its been a hella ride. 

he feels like my mom doesnt like him.

he said he tried to be the best for me.

and then he said he is getting tired of me.

now what to the promises we both made? 

to become a better person, to grow until old, to love each other until death pulls us apart. 

as cringiest as it sounds, if he decides to end our relationship, this will become my worst heartbreak ever. not like i got my heart broken many times. but he has given me everyhing. he makes me feel loved and this is what he get in return. i was so bad to him. cant rly do a thing beside crying and escaping the reality. i let my tears fall and sometimes i just dont feel like wiping them away from my face, hoping we will be okay and start as a new human being again. if this is really the end, i dont know how much time that i need to move on from him. 

if he replies and say that he doesnt wanna be together with me anymore, i can do nothing except apologize. 

thank u for always being there with me since day 1. 

thank u for always helping me whenever im in trouble.

thank u for showering me with love and affection.

thank u for making me realize how beautiful love is. 

"if you dont write, you dont think"

title is quoted from lilith, anabelle's sister (youtube: catcreature.) 

once i heard that, the spark immediately ignited in my mind and i was triggered (not gonna lie.) 

i wanna say things about what is going on right now. national exam is over and im waiting for the result. it is coming out on 2nd of may. i dont wanna think about it right now because i believe i have bombed my matematika and fisika. the result for the simulation for unbk wasnt that satisfying either. whenever i think whether will i make it through high school? can i actually graduate? with my current grades? i panic. i dont really know how the school is going to determine whether a student will pass or not. i can say it with confidence, my daily scores for all subjects arent that bad. i dont have bad attitude either. i'll graduate right? whenever the thought of 2nd of may is actually arriving pretty soon, i just shiver. as i cant afford to Not Graduate. prayers needed.

and also, our school have provided us internship. and im assigned to i3l. we have been doing it for 3 days now. started on monday. grouped together with kd and stanley. so far so good. the only thing thats bothering me is that we are not actually doing a lot of work. regular work time would be 9 am - 5 pm. but we start our activities at 10 am and we end our work at 2 pm. we are given some tolerance that our pic is letting us go home at 4 pm because he was being considerate of us due to the heavy flow of traffic if he let us go at 5 pm. 

by the way, my finger is hurting as i write this. i peeled the dead skin off my finger and it kinda stings whenever i press anything at all using that finger. not a big deal. im just exaggerating. 

can i say something? its 9:25 pm and im sleepy. its new. ive been sleeping at 10:30 pm and i wake up at 6:45 am. oh my god. being an intern is hard. but we'll just look at the positive side, shall we? 

march

oh god how is it march already? national exam is just right around the corner and i still cant comprehend the subjects well and its like 2 or 3 weeks away! fucking end me! 

anyways, i think im at the happiest phase in my life. besides of getting out from the unhealthy relationship that i have been entangled myself in for the past 2 years and a half, i really feel grateful just to have my friends around. the friends who are always sticking around me and also listening to my endless rambles about life.. olivia is planning for a bali trip for me and friends. so surreal. its going to happen in july yet im already so excited for the trip. this one makes me feel warm inside. thinking of how my friends and i are actually going to graduate soon reminds me just how much i have grown as a person for these past 3 years. along this ride, i think the most memorable one is going to be the memories of you and your friends. at the moment, we might be struggling due to the class, grades, and all. but after this, we are going to open another door. another chapter of our lives. we may not see each other as often as we do as now but i just want to thank everyone in the school. thanks for greeting me along the hallway. thank you for helping me whenever i'm in need. it's not even the national exam yet but i'm feeling so emotional already.. i wanna laugh at myself hahahahhaha. 

i have to study for 2 papers of physics yet im here haha. going to do whatever is there to do now. goodbye.

bad grades n all

im really tired of getting not enough sleep n all these tests that keep on flowing non stop.. i couldnt even get a break. really hate feeling not good enough even when u have tried ur hardest. or is it because i havent given my all? i have tests for a week like its not even the finals or anything yet but im already drained like shit. hate this feeling. hate that im dumb. hate that im being too laid back instead of being more serious in studying. fucking. shit.  

thank god its friday

hey its been a while.
went through lots of tests n homeworks n assignments for this past week. it was hectic. broke up with him abt 2 months now since ive been absent from the blog so i thought maybe i should pour it into this post, so i can read it again (thats the reason of a blog, isnt it.)

current jam:
sunmi - heroine
chungha - rollercoaster 


went to swim yesterday, skipped practice for musical drama today, couldnt find my folder anywhere, and im fatigued. i had aglio olio made by me. im tired but tgif, i can sleep all the way i want.