d-1 until freedom!!

hello guyssssss!!!!

so im having my finals right now and theres one more paper left which is fisika and it is very hard for me apparently because i cannot even logic!!!

i think ive failed music statistics maths n chem and matematika!! oml say bye to my school life hahahaha im actually crying right now oml i need to study for fisika bc idk any shit! and i just read yaoi titled as koiyume lover yuhuuu it has only 5 chapters which i crave for more because the scenes r so good ok u gotta check it out!

ok gotta go off now ciao

another shit day

hello, i am here after dozing off during the study time for my chemistry test tomorrow. i am so not looking forward to anything this week because it has been nothing but work. i know i shouldn't complain when i am a year 12 student but i just cant help it due to the laid back personality that i have.

today we had trans 7 coming to our school to shoot for a show and the venue was located at the gym. i couldnt express how hot it was in the gym especially that we had to wear our blazer. anyway i just wanted to rant for a little bit before i clock out. im still contemplating whether i should wake up at 5 tomorrow to continue my study or just go yolo. best wishes, sharon.

3 months

hi, was gone for three months and now im here typing and half-dead because im preparing for my physics test along with maths tomorrow. haha. life's good. 

its also been a while since the new academic year has started. many things have happened, surely. without any delay, people around me have applied for universities, and i also did that and i was accepted by the university of my choice. i really hope i can do well and find something to be passionate about. 

not only about the universities, i have also made new bonds with people which i thought i wouldn't be close with. i feel like year 12 is a year where i made the most progress in socializing. through grade 12, i joined gymnastics as my cca and there was an event hosted by the gymnastics which i had to join, and i didnt even thought that i would ever do this. but yeah, what happens, happens. also i got close to, grew closer to few of my friends. which is a good thing. 

this academic year has only been 3 months but i feel like its been forever. 9 months to go until we graduate. 9 months until we all separate, 9 months until we go to our chosen paths. still feel surreal. 

im gonna get back to studying now as my mother and little brother are coming over today and i need to finish all these shits. see u in the next one.

i really cant think of a title here

hello!!! ive been wanting to post since forever oh my god. i have like 3 drafts from this month but all of them are all bullshits lmao because they are hardly anything concrete. even though ive been wanting to post but i couldnt do so because i suck. 

anyway, school has officially started its lessons today and so far, it was good. our physics teacher, mr doni has resigned from our school without us knowing it oh my god. mr doni why!!?!?!??? he was my favourite teacher :( i was kinda upset that he has left (he just had to resign in our last year of high school.) i thought abt him when we had our physics lesson earlier with our new teacher. even though the new teacher wasnt really bad, i just kinda miss mr doni's lesson. i even started to compare their handwritings on the board because mr doni usually writes stuff really nice and neat while this new teacher's handwriting is just kinda not really organised comparing to mr doni's. no offense though. just feel kinda sad la. 

as ive mentioned earlier, its my last year of high school which means i have to enroll into a university soon this year. and honestly, i am very burdened by that ha ha ha. the entrance test, im scared that i wont be able to get in. my goal is to either get in into umn or uph. my first choice is umn though. uph kinda turns me off after sometime having it on my list. idk. anyway, i hope all of my friends can get into their dream universities. all the best of luck friends!! always pray 4 yall.

since im a senior now, i hope i can really cope with all the exams and stuff that will be coming bombarding all of us without mercy (read: stress.) lets just graduate together with color and lot of memories ok! 

things that i look forward to:

- last retreat of high school 

- birthday parties & dinners

- making irreplaceable memories.

lets be more productive and study hard okay sharon!!!

evening tea

hello, again we are here welcoming a new month. 

i'm feeling quite meh today. probably because i lacked sugar in my veins, hence the title, evening tea, indicating that i have just made myself a cup of hot sweet tea in an attempt to improve my mood. kennedy went back to hometown this morning and i am suprised that he could actually make it at the airport lmao. 

anyways, im feeling kinda blue. kinda wanna go and catch a movie, kinda wanna do stuff with my friends, kinda just dont want to do anything. my dinner just got delivered. and this one doesn't make any attempt in conversing with me. hands typing and typing. me initiating conversation while the other party ends it. fingers still running on keyboard, not sure what to type for this entry. just sipped the tea and it tasted really good. i'm thinking whether i should finish typing this or straightly just proceed to dinner while i finish this later. maybe latter. 

i feel quite lonely right now but i don't feel like talking to anybody either. idk. moving on, lany's releasing new song this friday called 13 and let's see how it sounds like later. obviously. maybe i should start reading my books. 

list of the books that i have not read/finished yet:

1. kafka on the shore by haruki murakami

2. landline by rainbow rowell

3. counting by 7s by holly goldberg sloan

4. to kill a mockingbird by harper lee (honestly i've read a bit for this one and it confused me because i really am not familiar with its english. and also the use of vocabs is beyond me.)

5. sunset in central park by sarah morgan (kinda regret from purchasing this.)

6. to all the boys i've loved before by jenny han

7. our chemical hearts by krystal sutherland

8. attachment by rainbow rowell

9. 1q84 by haruki murakami (i've read until book 2 and im at book 3 now i think.)

10. norwegian wood by haruki murakami (i have a little bit more left but i can't seem to pick up my motivation to finish it.) 

wow, didn't think that there would be that many. but there's one thing. i actually want to erase everything about carry on by rainbow rowell from my brain so i can actually read it and re-feel the fluff of snowbaz. fuck. this entry kinda become books related post but all is well. i want to have my dinner now. happy 1st of june.

daily tune; paul kim - wanna love you
it's been a while.

logika coffee

*gotta post something before may ends*

hello guys! back with a post again, nonsense post. was supposed to go to taman anggrek with a bunch of friends plus my brother before all of them cancelled on this lmao. so me, olivia and gio decided just go to the nearby shops to eat and chill. 

audrey was fast asleep when we finished school at 9ish am. and we called her many times to wake her up but no avail but then she woke up by her own which was a good news and i had to be stuck in the traffic like for almost an hour because jakarta is that suck. 

we went to oseki first, modern japanese cuisine which serves really good sushi and i had so much that my stomach almost exploded, considering i only had milk since morning. after that we went to logika, which is super near oseki. it's like two or three shops beside oseki. 

i placed an order; ice greentea latte which was super good!! better than starbucks' due to its rich flavour in greentea. i even ordered another cup after i finished my first one. they gave us lemon infused water too after the barista saw us with empty coffee cups. we played uno cards and poker as the cafe has them on the display shelf. while playing poker, the barista watched us play and audrey even went like "baristanya lagi nonton kita main" on the group chat. and i have already realized it before she announced it on the group chat lmao. and then the barista started to get friendly with us by talking a bit about the game and then he came standing near our table and joined us too. anyway it was cool. we even saw another barista or server i dont even know, who has worked for toska before lmao. he quitted toska and joined logika i guess. they are probably friends ??? but ok idc. 

im gonna study biology now goodbye.

biology and tea

i have just realised that i didnt write a lot this month lol im having a lot of off days from school right now because of as level exams that are currently still taking place. chemistry practical is on 23rd and i didnt take the subject so i wont be going to school until 23rd. but after that i dont know what im supposed to do lol because the next paper is going to be on 6th of june for biology and that is the first paper on june and i am not actually buying that the school is just going to give us the holiday like that until 6th of june right? but i am actually hoping so lmao. mom and kennedy is coming over this sunday and im looking forward to it because i'll finally have some company here as i am lonely as fuck hahaha shame on you sharon. i need them here so i can finally have somebody to accompany me to the mall. i need to go to muji to get the toner lol and i need to purchase a new hoodie yay. 

and here again, even on my off days, i am here diligently preparing for my next paper on 6th of june while having a cup of tea to sober me up. i had to wake up at 9 am today despite sleeping quite late and honestly i am not liking this morning lifestyle. but i have no choice but follow the order. lets be a morning person shall we sharon? i am a person who lacks punctuation in her writing while typing about her day but ok i dont really care. i need to type and i love typing at the moment so all is good. no need to complicate self by using punctuations. people can still read. 

anyway, i need to recommend you guys to watch suspicious partner because the chemistry between the leads are oozing. oh my god ji changwook and nam jihyun are really cute in the latest episode (7-8) and im impatiently waiting for the next episode. and again i cant wait to watch real with the lead actor kim soohyun. and then theres hirunaka no ryuusei which is not yet on the internet. can all the good dramas and movies come out already!!! 

ok i need to go to study biology now adios i love korea.

fuck urself sharon

because u suck at being a human being. u dont stand up for urself. when u try, u only get stomp and then defeated. i have never felt so disgraced in my whole life. i can only picture the disappointment that my family has towards me if they knew what i have actually done. because i suck at being a human. i am not a bad person but i just suck. i suck. just what more do i have to do. all of this temporary happiness that will cease only to meet with the sufferings and hardships and some shitty treatments that i obviously dont deserve. no. i cant put it like this. i suck at being a human. i suck at being honest with my own feelings. i suck at everything. academics, kindling relationships. sometimes i believe i have everything, i am indeed happy, i am content. but again life always proves me wrong. things will go wrong. i will always be a constant disappointment to myself, because i, cant be honest and i cant confront the enemies, the evil, my own feelings. i suck. i cant do anything but just cry over trivial matters. i want to disappear for while. dont want to die. but just disappear and then come back again. can i do that? no because i suck. 

girls' day out

hello! we are now in may! it seems like yesterday since we celebrated the arrival of 2017 and now we are already half into the year. amazing. 

today an impromptu outing happened and it was quite great since i have barely gotten out of the house to hang with friends. i had an english paper this morning and it was okay, i think. let's not think about it, shall we? so i just gotten back in the house around 12:30ish and audrey asked us out a bit later. and then olivia said let's just go at 1 lol but then we kinda dragged it until 2 but i was stuck in the traffic for 43 mins before i reached olivia and proceeded to toska, literally that one place is where we will go whenever audrey is with us hahah. i had aglio olio because their aglio olio is amazing as heck! i order this everytime i go there smh me, olivia and audrey got earl grey and gio only had smoothie bowl hashtag healthy life. after toska, we continued our trip to starbucks and we literally walked from toska to starbucks lol toska was at the end of citra 6 and starbucks is at the front of citra 6 can u fricking imagine how much do we need to walk! but okay we had fun walking anyway. oh my god im so lazy to type anymore now. signing out bye.

inspiration is everywhere

i guess it is. i believe deep down inside me i have realised about this matter, but i overlooked it too often. i watched some music videos and i felt a strong urge to draw some of the scenes there but i did not lol because i am lazy. but that made me realised again that inspiration is really everywhere. you can easily access it even though it was not planned at all (oh well, that is what inspiration is.)

and cheers! school's finals are finally over and april is drawing near, wow. after april i'll finally welcome may with a burdened heart of course, due to the as level that will officially begin on tuesday haha but mine won't start until wednesday so good luck for those who is taking chemistry! 

today was kinda great? i don't know. just a normal and average day for me but i did live in the moment for a little while. this happened after school which we have just finished our biology practical. i focused and concentrated a little bit too much during the period but i had fun and it was kinda productive for me because i finally understood the topic that has been ignored by me for god knows how long. okay so, after school me and friends just kinda hang for a while in the canteen because we were waiting to be picked up and so we kinda talked for a while. it was trivial and futile but i guess the little things matter to me. at that moment, i felt great. i have friends and all. 

listened to some good songs and did read a bit of biology. and can i say that i am really so not into cooking? i do love eating the food but i really just don't have the energy to clean up my mess lol but that is a part of the routine anyway. just stop complaining sharon. currently listening to current location by lany hehe sick. when will blackpink comeback lol i can't wait for their lit songs. i need some recommendations. 

daily tune; lany - current location

burning midnight oil

i have super heavy and burdensome papers tomorrow (again! when are the tests going to end... istg) which are mathematics and mechanics lol i am into mechanics right now and i cant even do shit. what is this physics and what is this maths. sin cos tan blah blah. send help pls. i am again here to beg for prayers that at least i can do a little bit bettter than last time pleaaaase pray for me. and i was in the middle of studying and then abby from the twitter chatted me via line!! omg totally didn't expect that but it was great to catch up. i consider her as the closest one to me if we are talking from the aspect of anime account. i feel great to see her doing great and honestly i am glad that she still wants to talk to me and initiate a conversation with me even though i barely tweet any shit now omg bless you abby <3 i miss the good old days tbh. everytime you start an account, you will meet lots of people at first and then as time goes by, only few stays and most of your mutuals either convert into a kpop acc or just go on a hiatus and their soul won't ever be seen again. ok enough for now, gotta go back n die n ya idk mechanics bye

so sad, so sad

"when you think you are not alone, you are actually alone." 

i think most of us will realise this at some point of our lives. might sound like jargon, but it's true. 

parents are there for us when we need them, but when you need to get things done, it is still you who will do it. parents are only there to support you. this might sound very contradicting but i am not even bothering to make sense of what i'm saying anymore. i am tired and sad. what goes aroud comes aroud, i guess. commonly people will associate sadness with negativity, i'm quoting something by a character in the book i'll give you the sun that goes something like sadness is essence for artist. i think sadness does really play a role in creating. and writing while you are sad is like, you know. you just dump everything in your brain including the hormones, nerves and everything that cause you to feel sad. human is weird, feelings are weird. sometimes we are thrown up in the sky, experiencing the height, breathing in the atmosphere, filling in our lungs with oxygen. because we are gradually getting higher and higher, the oxygen gets lesser and lesser. hence it is the sign, for us to go down. and suddenly you are just on the ground, without warning. it's perplexing. everything changes within second. turn of tables, change of situation. time does not stop for anyone. who the heck cares if you are sad. you are the one who needs to get up and fight. but for my case, i have this tendency of letting people step on me, trample me over. so, who am i to talk, right?

sometimes, being alone is great. nothing is bothering you, no one will ask you any favor, you are all on your own. it's hard to keep up with people's expectations. i miss being 15. everything was so good back then. 

dragon fruit and enzymes

good evening, today i am here again with you guys which is nobody haha. (just feel like typing lol)

i am here in the midst of wanting to start at my biology homework and i have dragon fruit on a plate beside me hashtag healthy life.

actually i am in the middle of having my finals but i have a holiday for tomorrow because of the election that is going on. i am still thankful for the one day off though. 

this week's nerve-wrecking day is going to be on friday because then i'll have maths and mechanics paper :( i screwed up badly for my last prelims esp mechanics lol no disclosure anyway. i have planned to revise the subjects today but look at me, surfing the web, drifting on the internet, leisurely laid in my bed watching running man with no sense of responsibility hunting me. can i just have a bit of self control. 

i don't know the reason, but today i was really tired. i got home at around 10:30ish and my body felt really heavy, followed by my eyelids. i might be really sleep-deprived. my braces also did things to me last night, as i had just went to the dental. i woke up with pain ahhh. my body passed out for an hour in the bed lol (nap) and i woke up again hungry orz with my teeth, i can barely eat anything. i ate stuff and i felt quite okay for few hours, but then i kinda felt light-headed. shit. 

today's story end here! gotta do my homework now. ciao.

daily tune; iu ft. ohhyuk - can't love you anymore

he and his flower

he wraps his beautiful fingers on the stem, and with his inalienable long eyelashes

that hang firmly on his eyelids, he burns the image of the flower onto his retina.

he admires the flower silently, accompanied by a grin on his face. 

he closes his hazel eyes, grin slowly turns into a smile 

and so the smile disappears. 

he shifts the flower closer to enhance the fragrant of the flower

and at that moment, he swears that the flower is ethereal. 

sports day + birthday party

welcome april! time flies before our eyes without us realising it. 

it is now drizzling. 

yesterday and today ware kinda hectic which is the main reason why my room is in a big mess right now and i don't even bother to tidy them up. 

i had to visit the dental yesterday and i sat in the car for one hour when it was supposed to be approx. 15 mins ride due to the super heavy traffic like damn it lol after that i was late of course and then i needed to go to oliv's house to do some project which i will again continue tomorrow as i have the stuff with me. 

today our school held the sports day which has been delayed since last month (if i'm not wrong) at stadium cendrawasih and i had to run for a relay lol it was all good. we got early dismissal anyway 👅🙌💖 few hours later i had attended the very first sweet seventeenth party in my life ever; 

at first, it wasn't that fun but then the last thing in the list was the dancy thing and i got hyped and yea u know what i'd do. 

srsly i feel the need to update the blog which nobody reads but then a part of me is lazy and very sleepy so i'll just make this short. 

life in a nutshell: i love to sleep. 

i suck at making title so just pretend that u have read something nice

back in the hometown! <3 yay! 

so yesterday i had a late birthday dinner which is not-so-festive for the 17th birthday and i actually had fun hehe. the venue was at mall puri indah and the restaurant is called as blacklisted. i liked this restaurant as the menu really varies lol some of us really couldn't decide in what to eat but oh well~ 

i ordered fettucine carbonara and i think the pasta is really good!!! like super good lol it's on par with beatrice quarters' carbonara... super in love... i love pasta i love carbonara i love food that tastes good... so glad to be alive wow! what is a shame is that i didn't get to invite evita because i've forgotten about her hashtag true friend maaaaan feel super bad right now and then also aldo who mentioned abt the early dinner to some of my friends whom i already invited oh my god i feel super guilty again because i didn't invite him while he treated a meal on his birthday before fucc mi lyf. i am so sorry man!!!!

after eating, we divided ourselves in two groups and went on separate ways. my group went to gramedia and the others went to xxi so they could play games lol. well it was fun overall. the girls did really catch up and we gossiped a lot basically haha. one thing though, i love receiving cards/letters so shout out to tiffany!! ily xoxo (don't be sad) and also jeha hehe much thaaaaanks. 

then after some time we assembled ourselves again to rest before a person suggested to visit lippo mall puri which is kinda close to the place that we were at. but some of the guys chose to stay over in mall puri to fill their stomaches in pancious lmao guys.

walked and walked in lippo, me and olivia got matching hats with pingpong bat and its ball attached to it; simple and minimalistic yow!! visited books and beyond and i got to kill a mockingbird by harper lee and cynthia got all the bright places by jennifer niven (YAAAAAY I LOVED THE BOOK) and then we walked and walked again lmao. waited for grab for like half an hour before we cancelled it aissssssssss. much time wasted. 

got home around 10:30ish pm and i used like an hour to finish packing haha kms. all's good anyway. it was fun. i visited the regular cafe with my brothers today and i had coffee which is the huge reason why i am not yet sleeping due to the caffeine that is still streaming in my blood even though my eyes are as heavy as rocks. came back home and had dinner before we celebrated my birthday with my family today (it was a tad late lmao) with a freaking cake lmao it was badly designed but still thank you @ baker for the effort. 

today's highlights:

• i rode motorcycle in a straight street with my brother on the back for like 5 secs before we needed to make a turn which had a steep and it was actually too much for me.
• actually visited the cafe with my brothers which we never really did it before.
• celebrated my birthday at 9:30 pm (which is considered late in the house as my brothers have school tomorrow).
• i slept throughout the journey here (in the plane, in the car, in the ferry).

today was fun but it was pretty tired though haha AND I CAN'T WAIT TO WATCH STRONG WOMAN DBS LATER IN THE MORNING YAAAAAS PRAY FOR ME BECAUSE ALL OF THE FEELS!!!

daily tune; lany - good girls

^ my new jam. 

rainy song

greeting from jakarta <3

i am feeling quite good tonight as i put my playlist on action and it is again a rainy night. i did a drawing today and i liked the sketch before it is forever ruined by my sudden impulse to watercolor it. but all is well~ 

talking about the artsy stuff; i've decorated my planner today and i thought maybe i should just start a journal but then my planner would be mostly blank so maybe next year when i still have the motivation to do so lmao.  

anyway, it is already 21 of march which is the third week of the month and oh man time really flies gahhhhh and again, as usual i am having lots of thoughts in my mind. like right now, all of the things that i'd like to write is scattered all over the place lol i dont even know how to place it so they can have nice transition. but you do you, no? have a great day x

daily tune;  tomoya naka - rainy song 

if you are feeling blue.

bittersweet

happy birthday self! wasn't really looking forward in turning 17 because i knew this kind of stuff would happen. i was actually quite happy and grateful for my friends who bought me cupcakes and even oversized shoes because i really didn't see it coming hehe and then the midnight wishes from the circle. but i guess i am not feeling it, being 17. maybe i saw it coming. oh god i am so sad like super sad. even though you are not supposed to be sad for three days straight or a week (i forgot) on your birthday but i feel extra crappy! even google wished my happy birthday and i mentally corrected it as sad birthday plus the rain is making me sad even more...  oh god i think i'll be sad for the rest of my life which i hope i won't. doesn't wanna drown in my own tears. 

happy birthday sharon. i hope you will lead an incredible life which is worth telling and i hope you won't be sad all the time and then i also hope that you can vocalize your thoughts more. stand up for yourself. know your worth. you know this life is full of ups and downs. be patient and happiness will come to you because all the good things always come later. you are loved, remember that. 17. 

dying please help

EXHALING SUPER LONG SIGH oh my god im having maths test tmrw and i am actually running away from my problem n responsibility which is to continue my maths but my stupid n full brain doesnt want to compromise with me u kno !!!! my brain isnt working anymore im becoming even more stupid n what is this sequence stuff which is geometric n arithmetic lol.... im dying.... help.... how 2 differentiate... how 2 integrate.... how 2 function........ how 2 find gradient what is maths who am i where am i what am i doing !!!! i had coffee again today i think my eyes are going to give away soon lmao like yesterday my eyes were already v heavy which then i decided to drink coffee to keep me awake n then today my eyes were back at being heavy again which means sleep deprived eyes plus even more sleep deprived eyes.... sobs..... pity me pls n again im going to study maths now n this is not a news anymore but hey anyone who read this or even nobody idrc but pls pray 4 me i am continuously asking for support n prayers so i can survive this hell ! thnx !

coffee works wonders

omg i'm supposed to be studying for physics exams tmrw but i am here writing and typing idek what shit but because im having this adrenaline rush i need to take it out lmao i think it is because of the coffee that my heart is now beating very fast damn it aghhh i had chemistry papers today and i totally ruined my paper 2 because i had a lot of unanswered question ahhh so much regrets now but f--- it ah man teach me how to deal with physics tmrw!!!

im actually typing shit because nothing that i write is making sense oh well since when did i ever make sense lol and anyway coffee really works wonders as my eyes were super heavy earlier when i decided to study and i couldnt even keep my eyes open because i was that sleep deprived !!! coffee u saved my life i owe u !! nobody will read this but pls this nobody can u pray for me so that i can do well for tmrw's papers saranghAE

so! grateful!

so today is the day where i have received jeha's mail and it's a book and it's an advanced birthday gift for me and i just can't contain how grateful i am to have the people around me????

last night, i ended my day by praying as usual and i just got overwhelmed, really lol like no joke with all the people that i have in my life. some people might treat you like shit but i believe they are there in your life to teach you something, to let you grow stronger and develop yourself. and then there are some people that made you think and feel like you want to be more deserving of them because they are just so precious and that thought just literally made me tear up because personally i think i drown myself in self-pity too much and i suck at being a more deserving person but nevertheless, i think i'll remember those who treat me good because that's how they are and those who came and taught me a lesson and also helped me in clarifying of how i wanted to be treated. i really don't want to forget this feeling.  

beautiful beautiful day

good evening people !

so today i have been doing nothing but procrastinate :) nah, i actually studied a bit for physics but i think i have spent my day wrong? but still, good vibes!! i suck at making title for the post so just let it be hahahahahha hahahah hahahhaha (dry laugh) 

hmm, i decorated my planner a bit with john mayer's new album photo stuck on one of the pages for this month's section woooo artistic sharon! (terrible joke) and yesterday i've started to watch a japanese drama called nigeru wa haji da ga yaku ni tatsu. it was v funny lol recommending u guys if u ever need to watch something refreshing wewewewew. 

the sun is actually setting already and i have absolutely done nothing! hah! anyway i feel like updating something on my blog so yeah what a crap i am writing. i need to find a topic to talk for english this tuesday and i have no slightest idea of what i should talk about oh my god it's for 3 minutes long dasdasdasda pray 4 me !!!! sharon's out !!!!

deeper

why do i write. i want to write. so much feelings, so much thoughts that i couldn't fathom into words. maybe i write because nobody wants to listen. maybe it's because i don't want anyone to know what is inside me. is this a diary? i don't know. i'm feeling extra sad tonight. pitch dark, with only the screen as the source of light. music playing, doesn't make me feel better, but it makes me feel like i'm in some kind of movie. those movies where the high school kids are having their emotional breakdown. feet exposed, i can feel the air, the cool and cold air. back to the position, running my fingers on the keyboards as if they could keep up with the thoughts in my mind. those don't seem to be stopping. it's like they are on a train, except the thoughts don't want to get off and the train also compromise with them by not stopping.

i can just sleep. shut my brain down. well technically, brain never shuts itself, but i'm feeling like finch tonight. my eyes are tired, they are heavy but i'm feeling super awake. everytime this happens, i just want to shut myself from the world, cut the connections off. i close my eyes as i exhale. i type and erase. too sensitive, too paranoid, too much thinking of trivial matters. maybe these are the reason that keep me awake. i'll be sleepy tomorrow so why don't i just shut my laptop down and close my eyes and then finally sleep. damn it, me. have some self-control, won't you? 

is there a such thing as a perfect day? just when i thought today might be a good day, it ended up ruined. it's actually perplexing that anything can happen anytime. how fast your mood and feelings change. at one time, you can feel so much happiness, so much of content and then dusk, you feel nothing but numbness hanging on your skin. time. 

there are so many things that i want to change about me like i wish i could vocalise my thoughts more, be more coherent and i could set my priorities straight. 

conan gray!!!!

hi people which is nobody but i don't care! i can't believe im double-posting but it doesn't matter because i'm feeling really good today and i wanted to document my day so i can remember.

i just watched conan gray's videos and honestly everytime i watch his videos i always feel so good for some unknown reason? he gives off such a good vibe. i love conan gray!!!!! i'll link his youtube channel: click because it's conan! 

i have just discovered his channel about a week ago and no regrets. 

today went by a flash. no drama today, did my homework and assignment, studied a bit for my physics test on tuesday and i'm feeling so cozy right now. it's a relaxing day and kind of productive, i guess? i also discovered some music, it was a playlist actually, and it's indie so it's all good. 

oh man, because i have just watched bunch of conan, now i feel like doing something big agh i wish i have bought some aromatic candles. but anyway, it is a good day!!! i'm super loving life right now wooohoooooo ok bye im signing out.

sunday

"Dusk, I realised, is just an illusion, because the sun is either above horizon or below it. And that means that day and night are linked in a way that few things are: there cannot be one without the other, yet they cannot exist at the same time. How would it feel, I remember wondering, to be always together, yet forever apart?" 

Nicholas Sparks

switch

too much tears wasted.
not sure of what i am anymore.
what will happen if i stop caring.
i don't want 99.99% but 100%
be consistent.
don't you know how much you are going to hurt people,
just by being unsure of how you feel.
think,
how unfair it is for them.
think,
and feel.

The Great Manifesto (because Theodore Finch is cool as fuck and you can't deny it)

can i have theodore finch's swag because damn he's swag as flying fuck !!

anyway, the reason why theodore finch came up is because we have a new english teacher and apparently he kinda reminded me of the geography teacher in all the bright places who kept on wheezing when he was talking. while in my case, the new teacher looked like he was super high earlier and he went all around abt world peace and how we teenage girls are handcuffed by our mobile phones and then he actually released us late and we were supposed to be going home already ok cool.

from zero to hero

We as individuals, started as blank papers and, gradually each of our papers will be then decorated by colors and stains. That thought strikes me when I walked into the bookstore. “Damn,” I hissed in pleasure because the smell of the books were slowly filling into both of my lungs. I walked to my favourite section of the bookstore and started to pick up some books that might interest me before I would finally purchase them.

As I continued to walk around the store, I took a few glances at the people wandering around here. “Funny,” I thought. My mind started its own thing again. My brain started to formulate thoughts that were of course didn’t really matter, but then doing this thing always amazed me. The reason why the word ‘funny’ came out was because of how this bookstore could have hundreds of people coming in and out. Each of us here had different backgrounds, different races, different skin tones and probably we also had different mother tongues. But we could be here, having the same color painted on our papers as we came across this bookstore, and more colors added as we came across each other.

         

After I came home, I straightly went to my room and immediately got the books out from the paper bag. I decided to read ‘I’ll Give You The Sun’ by Jandy Nelson first, apparently this book has won many awards and it caught my attention with the cover which was in a shade of orange. As I flipped through the cover, I was reminded by the thought that I had when I was in the bookstore. If we individuals were papers, I would be the type of paper which we usually use to write essays; the type of paper which we use to take notes as I was easily influenced, just like how the paper would sway and crumble even when we gave it so little force.

I kept flipping through the pages of the book as my eyes followed the tiny words that were printed on it. Funny how different people have different kinds of paper when we all started from zero before we started our journey in life. That was the thing about human, we keep on developing, building walls, thickening and polishing our papers in order to prevent things that could give us unremovable, permanent scar on our lives.

The people who surrounds me always telling me the same thing. “What a good life that you’re leading.” and some goes like, “I wish I was you,” et cetera. To tell you the truth, being me wasn't actually all fun, all enjoyable because you know how people just put on a facade and only decided to show people what they wanted to show. Little that they know, the papers of some of those were already crumbled, torn to pieces.

I wanted to believe that I had a good life, because of all the love and support that I’ve received endlessly, and I constantly remind myself that good things wouldn't come easily, people come and go, the road would be long, but there was one thing that I know for sure: even though the paper of mine was weak, the thing that I could do was to decorate it so it could be full of vibrant colors, just like a great painted canvas.

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that was a writing that im going to submit tomorrow for english lmao i thought it was kinda cool and im actually q proud of it so i'll just post it up here bc why not???